Dear Parishioners,

Monday, many of our elementary and secondary young persons will be returning to their classrooms. It is our prayer that they and their teachers will have a joyful year in the adventure of learning. May our youngsters do as the child Jesus, "(He) advanced in wisdom and age and favor before God and man." Luke 2:52

Last week I mentioned some considerations regarding funerals. Today, we might discuss helpful means of grief resolution. Funerals are an important means of ritualizing our "good-bye" to a loved one. It can be helpful to family members when one leaves instructions as to how one wishes the funeral and burial to be. When families opt for "pre-need" mortuary and cemetery programs, they will likely make more reasoned decisions then when the need does come.

When I was a seminarian at St. Patrick’s Seminary in Menlo Park, each year we were given a pastoral assignment in the Bay Area. It is their custom to strive to stretch our experiences. Since up to that time 26 years ago I had worked exclusively with teenagers in California public schools, I received an assignment to initiate a grief counseling program for Holy Cross Cemetery in Colma, a cemetery where there are an estimated 400,000 buried. Each Friday afternoon we gathered at St. Anne’s on Judah Street in San Francisco. I will describe below some of the means which we then explored for grief resolution. We came to realize that there are two types of persons, those who have experienced a significant loss and those who eventually will. Most persons we found were not ready to participate in grief sharing or counseling until about three months following their loss. Then, they would begin "to tell the story" of their loss to any attentive ear. Each time they told the story, it would be slightly different. Finally, sometimes after the telling for a hundred times, what seemed incomprehensible began to make sense and closure took place.

Persons who were caretakers and family members of one dying of cancer, for example, often experienced a readiness to hand their beloved over to the Lord, as contrasted with a sudden, unexpected death. In either situation, close relatives and friends of the deceased can expect the grief process to drain them of energy for a long period of time and they cannot expect to accomplish as many activities as quickly and easily as previously. It is important, therefore, for grieving persons to take good care of themselves, to eat right and exercise well, to welcome others’ invitations and their expressions of caring and love. They must realize that life will never be the same again without the loved one, but accept the reality that life must go on.

Many described their loss as a deep, deep wound inside. Persons having very invasive surgery can expect physical healing and recovery within perhaps a month. However, the emotional wound of loss can take much longer and seem even more intense when anniversaries and traditional family gatherings take place without the loved one’s presence. If the grieving person previously had an underlying experience of depression, the depression may intensify and private counseling be recommended.

If the grieving person was not present at the time or place of the death of the loved one, it is important to learn the circumstances regarding the death, to speak with anyone who was present, to try to resolve any puzzling details, to visit the site, and even to read the death certificate.

It can be helpful for grieving persons to visualize the deceased as you related in happy times: their voice, laughter, sparkle of their eyes, the texture of their skin. Also helpful can be to visit the place of rest in a cemetery or columbarium and be present to the deceased. Memorials can be an important means of keeping the memory of the loved one alive, such as memorials we have at our church and new Faith Formation Building.

Some grieving persons find it painful to dispose of the deceased one’s clothing and personal items. If kept, personal items can begin to take on a life of their own and when disposed of later on, can open up an entirely new grieving process. It is best to give these items to those who can make good use of them or to St. Vincent’s in Reno.

Finally, as I mentioned last week, do pray for the soul of the deceased and remember them at Mass. Your love for them does not need to cease at their death. Indeed, "precious memories" can linger and your love even grow stronger. May the above considerations enable you to have an experience of "good grief" as you entrust your loved one to the welcoming embrace of our Lord.